The Softer Side of Me ..

I was reading my old diaries just for the sake of refreshing memories when I found this entry .. This was posted on 18th of November some years ago .. One of my happier birthdays ..

She was looking gorgeous as ever in dark green dress .. We sat in silence for sometime .. Then I said “I hate you ..” ..
She didn’t say anything .. Just looked curiously .. So I continued .. “I hate you because I hate to be taken over .. I hate to cede .. And that’s what you are doing to me .. Your thoughts have taken over my mind .. I cant put you out of my mind .. This shouldn’t go on like this … ” . .. ..
She smiled and after a silence she said “I hate you too … I hate you because you can read my mind .. I hate the fact that you instantly know what thought I just had .. and what will be my next step .. I hate the fact that you think exactly like me .. This shouldn’t go on like this .. ” ..
So we sat there hating eachother but never for a moment not loving each other ..

After that was a discussion about one of SRK’s movie and some of my personal blah blah .. But why I quoted an entry from my personal diary is because I was feeling the same emotion I felt that time .. ..
I still hate to be taken over .. And I hate the fact that her memories still haunt me .. I still hate her .. Damn I still love her .. .

As I already wrote that I stopped celebrating birthdays long time ago, this is just another day for me .. Hehe .. I slept till 10 Am and wake up on someone’s call ..Apart from some phone calls and congratulations, everything else is just the same .. I have to prepare for 2nd module’s assesment which is due on Saturday so I’ll be studying now ..

I was a bit worried about Neetie’s brother who was hospitalized last night … I prayed for him and I hope he’ll be fine soon ..

Btw .. Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes .. .. They really mean much to me ..

I was reading Elizabeth George’s “Missing Joseph” .. After a voilent scene, the woman is wondering what love is ..

I don’t know what it means to love anyone, she realized. I thought it was goodness, a wanting to share. I thought it meant like you hold out your hand and someone takes it, holds it hard, and pulls you safe from the river. You talk. You tell him bits of yourself. You say here’s where I hurt and you give it to him and he holds it and gives you where he hurts in return and you hold it and that’s how you learn to love. You lean where he’s strong. He leans where you’re strong. And there’s a joining somewhere ..  ..

I closed the book when I read it .. I somehow didnt agree to it .. Maybe because someone once told me that finding out what love is like finding out answers when you dont know the question  …

Hmmm.. I think I need a break …